somebody i know died today.

i wanted to go off in a pique to sleep, but i realise that tears prick my eyes as i do so
and i need a sense of closure.

keqing's grandmother died today, at the grand old age of eighty-eight. remembering the times i used to run over to qing's house and she would mutter at me for being a Christian, to the times when she used to confuse me and Tiffany, to the teochew i learned to yell at her deaf ears when she used to confuse keqing and her brother ("Wa Ai ZARBOR, mm si Tah Bor! Kaur Kheng, KAUR Kheng, zarbor zarbor zarbor!").. to the shrivelled and bedridden shell of her former self this past year - is, like any loss of life, unutterably sad. yes, so i may not show it; that doesn't mean i don't allow myself to think about it or feel it in the privacy of my own room. eight years since i got to know qing; eight years since i first saw her grandma.

let me grieve for her tonight; let me live in my reminiscences. i will be better tomorrow.