Sunday, August 29, 2010

Life nowadays

seriously sucks.

Working 12-15 hours on weekday at least, rushing back to spend time with kids before they sleep (if I can even make it back home by then), working AGAIN after that.

Weekends continue working on whatever time is not filled up by having to look after kids.

All those things I have to do other than these 2 (spending time with my mum, even cg and prayer meetings), I am so tempted to NOT do because I am just so tired. My body is there, but my mind is not.

Usher - I truly enjoy but I can barely even make it to duty once a month. Sometimes, if suay, even that once a month is gone. Honestly, I feel like stepping down, the only thing stopping me is that if I do quit, I will never get to restart. Selfishly holding on to the last part of my life that resembles the old me.

No such thing as "me" time - shopping, movies, scrapping = forget it. Too low on my priority list. Even if I've free time, it is in few minutes blocks at the wee hours of the morning, how to do anything??

I can't imagine life like this for the next however (n) many years of my working life (omg.. at least another 30 years more to go).
Worst of all is that at least 30% of this stress is completely unnecessary.

Anyway no matter how much I do, I'm too slow / I don't spend enough time / I am not careful / I am not respected / I am not WHATEVER lah. Basically, I am just not good enough. Which majorly pisses me off because I KNOW I am not a slacker and I am dying trying already.

How I wish I can drop everything and spend all my time just doing what I like - unfortunately, I don't have that option. As always in my life, I am too slow to move, someone else has taken on the "can enjoy life" position before me, I've to settle for the "slog my guts out" position instead.

I feel damn selfish to say this but how I wish for time to do my own stuff and enjoy myself. Spend money on relaxing without a care in the world. Not having every minute of my day filled up with responsibility and things I MUST do. With the additional "sword" hanging over my head that I CANNOT lose my job no matter how things go.

I mean seriously.. Do you really think I ENJOY living like this??
Do you understand? Do you appreciate?

Sounds so super mid-life crisis. Sucks.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

She does not remember

S was going through the pile of photos on my table when she came to one with Dad in it, she was able to identify everyone in the picture except Gong Gong.

I asked her if she remembers Gong Gong, she shook her head.

For myself, my earliest memory is probably at the age of about 2 and a half - I'd just been toilet trained, and was running to make it to the toilet. Didn't make it though and sat down and peed right in the corridor of our flat.

Seeing that Dad passed on just before Sophie turned 2, the rational part of me tells me that I shouldn't expect her to remember.

But the emo part can't believe that it has taken her such a short while to forget =(