Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Looking at Beautiful things..

to cheer myself up..

Leftovers from Trick A Treat GDT kit.. will post that up soon..

Random stuff - I think I was trying to finish up Basic Grey June Bug collection

From Scarlet Lime Sept 2008 ABC & 123 mini kit

Another random, inspired by the Melody Ross Artsy Urban paper

Finally finished off the Scarlet Lime Oct 2008 main kit

Much less scrappiness this year due to all that has happened. Actually many of these were done a long time ago, just I had no mood / time to post up.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

so close to the edge

it has really been (and still is) the worst year of my life.

i have never worked so hard, and so futilely, been torn up in so many directions because nothing can give way, nothing can take a lower priority even with all else that is going on.

here's what's giving way - my ability to take it all.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Whatever it is, it is always my fault lah ok

.. happy now??

How much more browbeaten, hen-pecked, cornered into submission can I get. Nothing I can say or do is right, even if it is in this instant, it will turn around to be wrong in the next. Best thing is nothing I can say or do about it.

Thicken skin, crack face into smile, move on.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Things that remind me of my Dad

1. Hwa Chong school song - if there was one thing he loved above all else in life, it was Hwa Chong. Dad would randomly sing the school song at times. Makes me inspired to learn it in his memory. Though I never would have otherwise even though I worked here for 7 years.

2. Seeing old men and women on the street - makes me wonder if he knew them. And makes me feel resentful that they are still here, and he is not. Similarly, seeing the Hwa Chong Board Members - I KNOW they knew my Dad. Even worse.

3. Seeing Dad's photos when I scroll through my picture albums. I still can't bring myself to look at the photos taken during the funeral, though I think someday I will be grateful for them.

4. Hearing "Butterfly Kisses" song. Don't ask me why.. it reminds me of my wedding day when he walked me down the aisle. And no, I didn't play the song at my wedding.

5. Dogs. Especially silky terriers - makes me think of Scampy and Dad having a good time in heaven.

Monday, April 05, 2010

When I am not awake, I do not think.

I think I haven't really properly grieved for my dad yet.

Oddly enough, its' only now (like recently, in the past week) that I keep on having vivid flashbacks to those awful three days-in-limbo between the death and the cremation, and everything seems to be happening over again, crystal-clearly - whereas previously I couldn't feel a thing if I tried. Emotional self-defense mechanism? Sigh, I just wished it had kind of worked a little longer. Like maybe till the June holidays when I didn't have THIS many things to handle =X

Everyone seems to expect me to already be alright, probably because I SEEMED so alright immediately after. But nope, I am NOT alright. Damn.

Really, its all that occupies my mind now, each time I pause from work, family life, or even from talking. Lapsing into silence drives me instantly back to the awful just-past. And that drives me into a horrid lethargy, a lack of willpower to do ANYTHING and an a randomly tearing mess. So I try to sleep my days (and nights away), since when I am not awake I do not think.

I am not sure if its emotional reasons or physical reasons, but I've also been having headache spells lately that make me feel dizzy and woozy. If I can afford to, I go to sleep - If I cannot afford to, I pop a panadol. I think I've slept more in the past week than I have in any two weeks preceding that.

How I wish I could take time off everything - being a teacher, an SL, a mother, a wife, heck, even a daughter to my mum - so I could unwind and let it all out. Go away for awhile and have a good time to take my mind off depression. But I also fear to, because I don't know how long I will take to come back to myself, or even if I WILL come back to myself. Much as I would like to, I simply CANNOT just throw in the towel - too many people are depending on me. Being too responsible is a curse, really and truly.

Remembering Robert Jordan's quote - Duty is heavier than a mountain, death lighter than a feather.

I am NOT pulled-together, I am just pretending to be.
I am too good at it, however, and so no one knows but me.