would i be who i am today?

sometimes, at times, like now, i tend to fall into introspection and navel gaze at my life and my character. rarely, now, for work-oriented me, but it IS a good thing that i don't spend too much time on these thoughts.. or i would NEVER get any work done! oh no! so i shall blog out my introspections, and go back to my ever-extending list of Things To Be Done. ugh.

to my cousins who may read this post, i'd appreciate it if you didn't tell your parents about what i'm going to write next. it forms an integral part of the character-building processes i went through but i doubt my parents would be comfortable with other family members knowing. Thanks. =)

events of the last few days have made me think about the person i used to be, and the person i am now. how my life could have taken a far different path, and about how those whom i used to be close to have gone down that far different path. i shudder. i sincerely believe my sanity and my strength through all the trials i've seen in my admittedly short but *NOT* placid life stem from the fact that I trust in my Saviour's Word and character. i cannot change my circumstances, but i can choose to view them in the light of faith and hope. His promises have kept me going - "that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" - "for I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" - "my heart and strength may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" - and above all, above all else... "Be still, and know that I am God."That was an almost daily mantra in uni, when the financial problems my family faced were at their peak. Try facing landlords barricading you in your house the morning of your exam. Or early-morning shouting matches between the landlord and your father over late payments of rent. Your mother's car being repossessed while you're out for supper and you, driven home like a criminal. Receiving, with shaking hands, a letter from the university threatening expulsion if your school fees are not paid within the next three days. Begging your friends to empty their bank accounts to make up that then-terrifying amount - numbers forever etched in my mind, 2816.57. Try being sleepless each night with fear over wondering if there would be a bed or even a roof the next day. Going out every day for a year with just enough coins to take the bus to wherever you need to go and not a cent more, never mind that your stomach would be twisting itself around your spine by the time you got home at night. Not being able to top up even a transitlink card because that would take ten dollars and your total worldly possesions would not add up to that amount. Other things, too, happened in the interim years; my father's stroke when i was in my final year, my teaching award (and with it my chance to do Honours) within a whisker of being withdrawn; losing an extremely close person in an extremely abrupt way. I do admit that my problems were somewhat commonplace (hm, i wonder how many other 25-year olds have faced this?) and not anything out of the ordinary, but i am very glad that i chose to respond to them by walking down the path that i've taken and not any other way. i could have rebelled, grown bitter, grown cynical or simply given up; i truly believe that it was only God's grace that kept me going in those times. through it all, through it all, i would not have been able to continue under the crushing pressure and emotional turmoil without Him. and as i look back, i have grown; as i look at some of the people in my life at those times, they had not. there is no feeling of superiority or smugness; only a sadness at what could have been in their lives had they not given up or rebelled. Truly, only in the darkest night does a star shine its' utmost; only in the direst situations do you find you need to cling onto God's grace the most.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day on the way home on religion - and she said that she would probably only turn to religion when she finds that there are things she cannot handle on her own. i used to be like that too - of the mentality that nothing would be too hard for me, alone, to vanquish. it is a common mindset of highly able people (some thick-skinned-ness here, haha) that there is no need for anyone else, for anything else, for your life to proceed smoothly. only when you come to a place where you find that all your ability cannot avail you anything do you turn to externalities - for me, that place arrived in university. i am grateful, too, for it - for the first hand realization that the testing of your faith produces patience - the cornerstone of character. without the experiences that i had had, i would not be who i am today. many people tell me i am strong; i used to be weak. i am patient; i used to be impatient and self-centred. i work hard; i used to be unfocused and overly emotional. i am friendly; i used to not know how to relate to others. the huiming you see today, then, friends, is the product of not only her genotype but her experiences, and most importantly her response to those experiences. to those i hope read this (but i doubt), i hope my sharing has given you some inspiration.