untitled

i will untitle this.. too many thoughts fly through my mind to think of a good and snappy title. erpz.

perhaps i truly am, as St John Rivers says of Jane Eyre, formed for work and not for love. Fatalistic? maybe.. but it seems as though it is truly the case. work occupies a lot of my time, school work and usher work.. i enjoy the work that i do, and i always want to work harder and do more, but it leaves me no space for my self and no energy for my friends. guess it must be tough being a friend of mine.. you would probably get to see me maybe like twice a year, if even, unless i know you from work or from school. guess that's why i have few close friends but many acquaintances. sure, people will tell you that i'm nice, i'm giving, i'm loving, maybe that i'm caring, but at the end of the day i have nothing left for myself. probably that's why all my previous relationships failed, and even if i were *anywhere* near getting into one now it might not last unless the other party could put up with my having *nothing* left, day after day. i guess i do not have the stamina to do so many things, and yet i cannot see a way out of the 'cares of the world' that are bogging me down. money, money, money.. work, work, work! i feel so guilty when i do NOT work, and do not bring home the bacon. i've been sick for two weeks and still not well, but that weighs little against the commitments i have heavy upon me. so i will continue to ebb..

btw, i am already much better than i was at the beginning of the year.. much happier, and more fulfilled, but still i feel sometimes that i am ploughing through ankle-deep mirk. sheesh. well, at least it's not the knee-deep mud that it was at the beginning of the year! =P

as a continuation to my previous post - only xizzy will understand - i think the stretching's starting to tear. worse.. i do not know how i should feel. am i going to, like an esteemed friend, start speaking in parables? probably not, but in very verbose verse rather. ha!

more and more, my destiny becomes certain - one that follows not the desires of my own heart, but rather one that calls upon me to take up my cross and follow. made for work and not for love? (hm.. nothing to do with my red panasonic x500 though. =P yes, i cannot stop being lame, but i shall do it here when i can do it without being flamed.)

as my star wanes, another's rises. i do not want to compare, or compete, but i cannot help it. God help me, for i cannot help myself. help me walk through the next days and weeks and months, with wisdom and love.