Rant

Stop reading if you are my student, my colleague, anyone who has anything to do with school. I don’t need any more flak from that direction.

It has been a desperately unhappy year because of the different things I have started to do or are trying to do. And there is never anyone to blame except myself. Since responsibilities are new, syllabus is new, programmes are new, methods are new, actually technically I am new too aren’t I? I got no advantage over anyone else in terms of dealing with these things. Yet though I am new, everyone else is new-er and so I bear all the burden myself. Am I really expected to know and do everything? Seems like I am and yet it seems like an impossibility that I can. But no, everyone else is newer, more loaded, not fair to load them more, or whatever. No one to turn to for help. I will just have to dig through all the work myself and hope I am not actually blindly digging my own grave again. Done the own grave part already, if I were a cat with 9 lives I would have dug graves for 8 of them already.

Ya, the standards must be maintained. The show must go on. Yet, I wonder how many people at my workplace are aware of exactly how much of a show it is. Happiness is a show, enthusiasm is a show, availability is a show, willingness to talk to people is even a show too. Pretense is an art I have never employed so much in my life. The reality is depression, a sense of inexorable impending doom and an unending race to catch up with the increasing amount of things demanded. Seems like the most important part of teaching, which is helping my students and making relationships with them, is sidelines and buried under all the other stuff that needs to be done.

I have considered resigning, stepping down, asking to go back to be a normal teacher in charge of students council. I have considered all and done none of it. Because of my hateful, hateful sense of responsibility that says ‘you got to finish what you promised to do’. Yet I supposed I walked into it with my eyes wide shut not knowing how much work it was going to be. Hell, I suspect even my supervisors never expected so much things needed when they gave me all my portfolios last year. But done is done and cannot be undone and so I will remain, trying but never succeeding. Am I holding my self back?? I hardly think so. But my best is just not good enough.

I want to sleep myself into oblivion, dream myself back in time to when I first started out teaching and truly did the important stuff like making a difference to students lives. Ya it was tough too but nowhere, nowhere near as lonely as what I am doing now. Never been so true that, to those whom much is given, much is required.

But I never knew these requirements would be so devoid of joy.

I live for my weekends now, (hah! Not for shopping or recreation!) but because serving flat out at church helps me take my mind off doing all these things I have come to hate and dread. Even though it tired me and give me aching feet, I am happy in being able to serve others, in being able to teach and disciple my ushers, and that is my only source of joy nowadays.

My God I am so upset even my English has gone down the drain. Bah.

End of rant, back to work. Cannot even afford the time to stop and cry.