I think I haven't really properly grieved for my dad yet.
Oddly enough, its' only now (like recently, in the past week) that I keep on having vivid flashbacks to those awful three days-in-limbo between the death and the cremation, and everything seems to be happening over again, crystal-clearly - whereas previously I couldn't feel a thing if I tried. Emotional self-defense mechanism? Sigh, I just wished it had kind of worked a little longer. Like maybe till the June holidays when I didn't have THIS many things to handle =X
Everyone seems to expect me to already be alright, probably because I SEEMED so alright immediately after. But nope, I am NOT alright. Damn.
Really, its all that occupies my mind now, each time I pause from work, family life, or even from talking. Lapsing into silence drives me instantly back to the awful just-past. And that drives me into a horrid lethargy, a lack of willpower to do ANYTHING and an a randomly tearing mess. So I try to sleep my days (and nights away), since when I am not awake I do not think.
I am not sure if its emotional reasons or physical reasons, but I've also been having headache spells lately that make me feel dizzy and woozy. If I can afford to, I go to sleep - If I cannot afford to, I pop a panadol. I think I've slept more in the past week than I have in any two weeks preceding that.
How I wish I could take time off everything - being a teacher, an SL, a mother, a wife, heck, even a daughter to my mum - so I could unwind and let it all out. Go away for awhile and have a good time to take my mind off depression. But I also fear to, because I don't know how long I will take to come back to myself, or even if I WILL come back to myself. Much as I would like to, I simply CANNOT just throw in the towel - too many people are depending on me. Being too responsible is a curse, really and truly.
Remembering Robert Jordan's quote - Duty is heavier than a mountain, death lighter than a feather.
I am NOT pulled-together, I am just pretending to be.
I am too good at it, however, and so no one knows but me.